[caption id="attachment_1299" align="alignleft" width="150"]<a href="http://www.hormonesoup.com/?attachment_id=1299" rel="attachment wp-att-1299"><img class="size-thumbnail wp-image-1299  " title="Jizo Statues for Unborn Babies" alt="Jizo Statues for Unborn Babies -Image: Dreamstime" src="http://www.hormonesoup.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/Statues-for-Unborn-Children-dreamstime-150x150.jpg" width="150" height="150" /></a> Jizo Statues for Unborn Babies Image: Dreamstime[/caption]

For some reason a lot of old memories have been surfacing for me lately.  I was on a couple of forums recently and was reading the painful and heartfelt posts of mothers who have or are currently miscarrying their babies.  Hearing their stories instantly took me back to the days when I was the woman so desperately trying to<strong><em> stay</em></strong> pregnant, worried over every single twinge and then suffering the deep anguish of losing a baby.  Twice.

Here's the thing about an early miscarriage - It's difficult to explain to someone who's never been through it how it feels to be pregnant one day and then not the next BUT with empty arms.  I don't profess to speak for all women who have had a miscarriage - I know a couple of women who actually thought their miscarriage was a blessing, some who were relieved or who took the news more matter-of-factly than I did.  I don't judge them, hopefully they don't judge me either.   And it brings me to the biggest thing I can suggest - never pretend to know how the mom must be feeling!

I don't pretend to know what every woman who has suffered the loss of a baby would want or how she would feel.

In my experience many people don't know how to deal with a friend or family member who has lost a baby through miscarriage. They may want to help and be supportive but many people don't know what to say and may even end up saying the wrong things.  You try not to take it personally but really the last thing you feel like doing is listening to comments that make you feel worse.

Here are some things I wish had been said differently to me:
<table style="border-color: #543053; border-width: 4px; background-color: #e0d6df;" border="4" cellspacing="2" cellpadding="2">
<tbody>
<tr>
<td>Instead of Saying:</td>
<td valign="middle">Try Saying:</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td scope="rowgroup">It was for the best</td>
<td>I'm sorry</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td>At least you didn't feel your baby move yet</td>
<td>I know you were already in love with your baby</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td>You're young - you have lots of  time</td>
<td>I'm here when you need me</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td>At least you can have fun trying again</td>
<td>Nothing...just listen or give a hug</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td>I know how you feel</td>
<td>How are you feeling?</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td>You need to _________________
(stop working so much, stop exercising, relax, etc)</td>
<td>It's not your fault</td>
</tr>
</tbody>
</table>
I only know how I felt and the one word that comes to mind - devastated.

Consider these ways to support your friend/family member who has lost a baby through miscarriage:
<ul>
	<li>Ask the mom who has just lost her baby if she has named her baby or if she would like to <strong>hold a ceremony? </strong> If so,<strong> offer to help plan something</strong> even if it is informal.</li>
	<li>Some hospitals or charity groups provide tiny blankets and bonnets as a keepsake - <strong>consider presenting the mom with a memory box. </strong></li>
	<li> <strong>Acknowledge that she IS a mom </strong>- it's just that her baby is in heaven (or whatever your belief system is).<strong>   </strong>This was big one for me - it was comforting to know that someone understood that I felt like a mom.</li>
	<li><strong>Call your friend or give her a card or flowers on Mother's Day</strong> and acknowledge that she is a mom!</li>
	<li><strong>Write your friend a poem</strong> like <a title="Courtney's Mom's Poem - Poppy" href="http://beepea.com/2013/01/19/remembering-poppy/" target="_blank">my girl Courtney's mom did</a> or a beautiful handwritten note.</li>
</ul>
The mom may be so distraught and is sometimes whisked in for a D&amp;C so she may not have time to think about things like this until later.  That was the case with my first miscarriage.  I know many moms who would have loved someone to reach out to them in such an understanding way.  Personally, I would have appreciated such offers because I didn't even think of these things.  With my second miscarriage I was a bit more prepared and waited to miscarry naturally so it was less "traumatic" in that way.   My dear friend<a title="Farewell Dear Ava" href="http://www.hormonesoup.com/farewell-dear-ava/" target="_blank"> Ava, whom you've heard me speak so highly of</a>, planned a naming ceremony for all of the women whom she had helped get through those tough times.  We all went to a tiny chapel and it was beautiful and we all named our babies and lit a candle in memory of our babies.

I've heard some people express that they think it's kind of weird but I don't understand that reaction. Grieving is a natural reaction to loss - my babies were part of me the moment I knew I was pregnant and I yearned deeply for a baby.  While understanding and respecting that not every woman has the same beliefs, in my situation, honoring my babies was and still is important  to this day.

In Japan many women must feel the same way.  In fact, the photo above shows a burial ground with rows of little statues formed in the image of a diety called Jizobosatusu.   When a woman loses an unborn child she can dedicate one of these little statues - and the babies will be protected by Jizobosatusu.  The mother may choose to dress the statue, place a bonnet on its little head or leave windmills and other toys.  Gifts for Jizobosatusu are often left to ensure the unborn child makes the journey to the afterlife.  If I ever get to Japan, I would love to participate in this beautiful custom.

Have you named your miscarried baby? Or had a ceremony? Did someone do something special for you?  Do you have any other ideas?