Here’s the thing about Mothers Day – sometimes it sucks. It’s hard after you’ve lost your own mom but people acknowledge that grief. What happens when you’ve lost a baby no one else got the chance to know?
Like many other traumatic life events do, when many women who have miscarried speak to each other about their miscarriages, there is a shared camaraderie. A shared understanding that is known only to women who have been through the horror of losing a baby. I’ve talked to a lot of mommies over the 15 years since my first miscarriage and here’s what I think most moms who have miscarried would like you to know:
We are Moms
Even if we have never carried a baby to term – we had a baby. It died. Maybe we didn’t get to hold that baby or hear it call us Mama. Maybe we weren’t far enough along in our pregnancy to feel our baby move. Maybe we were a single mom, struggling to figure out how to manage a pregnancy and a baby. Maybe part of us was afraid or didn’t really want a baby when we found out we were pregnant. Maybe our husband doesn’t acknowledge our suffering or that he, too, is a parent.
Maybe it’s hard for you to understand. We would like you to try.
We wish you would acknowledge what we know in our hearts. We are Moms. When you don’t acknowledge our grief it makes it harder. When you pretend like it didn’t happen it makes it worse. Bringing up the baby won’t make us feel worse – it makes us feel better that you’ve acknowledge how we feel and that our baby was real and deserves our grief. You won’t remind us of the baby we lost – we don’t need reminding – we think of our babies more than you can imagine. Many of us feel like we suffer twice – once when we lose the baby and then again when no one seems to understand or acknowledge or even worse – tells us “it was for the best”.
Mother’s Day Sucks
My first mother’s day came 6 weeks after I lost my first baby – I spent alot of time crying that day. I felt like I should have been celebrating mother’s day as a Mommy-to-Be but instead I felt like I was a Mommy-That-Wasnt-Meant-to-Be.
Mother’s Day is coming – do you know someone who miscarried a baby? Consider acknowledging a mom who has suffered a miscarriage on Mother’s Day. A small note saying thinking of you on Mothers Day or a single flower will let her know you understand that she is a Mom.
To read more of my posts about Miscarriage:
To get connected to another mom who has suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth or early infant loss visit:
It’s a free service for women AND their families and friends who want to reach out and get connected to a supportive volunteer who understands.
This blog post is dedicated to a special Mom that I have recently come to know – some people in her life don’t see her as a Mom but those of us who have miscarried our babies know in our hearts and minds that she is a mom.